My Heart is a Whore

November 14, 2007

I just turned 27 yesterday, November 13^th and nobody was late in greeting me, don’t worry. All of you were on time and I thank you all for remembering.

I had a great day. Last year was my worst birthday but this year is definitely on top of the charts. I rode a lot of taxi cabs yesterday. Did you know I like riding taxi cabs? They’re like cheap chauffeurs for hire but every so often you just get to be unlucky and get tortured by riding in a stinky one. Some might call it karma, I call it tough luck.

While my taxi was breezing through the bustling city streets (sheesh! this is beginning to sound more like a novel than a blog to me, hehe) and reading the constant text messages that were popping up in/on (coz for sure it’s not AT!) my cellphones, a thought popped up in my head: my heart is an emotional harlot. Please discontinue reading this if your sole definition of a whore is someone who engages in sexual acts for money. Thank you.

In Bisaya, we have this term: “burikat”. It sounds disgusting and its meaning equally is. “Burikat akong kasing-kasing” in English is “My Heart is a Whore.”

In my 27 years of living I have loved, been hurt, and have loved some more. I used to be (well, admittedly part of me still is) angst-ridden, scared of getting hurt, cynical...but despite being all these, I’ve never found it hard not to love. And when I love, I give my whole self, no holds barred because for me, that is the only way it should be done. That is the only way to savor it and THAT is why when I get hurt my world turns into complete ruins and I have only to rely on time to reattach the shards back to where it used to be.

I am not talking only about “in a relationships”, I am also applying this to “friends” and “activity partners”. Right at this moment this corny old disco song crossed my mind but amazingly I just realized it holds some depth to it: Friends they come and friends they go. Nothing really matters forever.

Baby Joseph asked me once why I tend to be aloof or anti-social. I simply told him that I don’t want to be attached because I easily get hurt. We would all part ways anyway, sooner or later. We would all only become mere trinkets of our past. But ofcourse, at that moment in time my reply was not as profound as this.

And Joseph did leave, without much ado. I missed him ever since.

But for all it’s worth I will not regret opening up to them. They became one of the best people I have ever met, closest friends I could ever have, and they gave me the greatest memories I could ever cherish.

I read once that “Each person that you meet knows something that you don’t. Learn from them.” I admittedly have had a lot of relationships in the past. But I did learn from each one of them and that has molded me into the person I have become: The best person I can be for you. These are among the rare instances that whoring can be a good thing. hehe.

I am 27. I am terrified of old age. God knows if I reach 60 I might just very well hold my breath and count to a hundred. I never want to become a liability. But I also know I still have a lot to live for.

My family, my friends, and my dreams are what keep me going. Thank you all for sharing my life with me. Thank you for remembering me.